Upon my final proofreading, a couple of days later, I admit I began to feel a bit embarrassed by this post. Life shifts unexpectedly, and the thoughts that felt most loud, don’t feel as pressing. Or maybe they’re more relevant, but in a different way. HOWEVER, I was happy with this post a few days ago and writing it was helpful so I need to back my past self. The whole exercise of writing is to shuffle through one’s thoughts and I am grown enough to know how changeable emotions and perspectives can feel as life undulates around you.
To Myself and Friends!
Well, so much for that! I stuck with the idea of a monthly letter for about… five days. Rather frustrating considering I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed with (unrelated) worries for weeks since, and writing about such feelings? Well, it probably would have made me feel a little bit lighter. ALAS! I’m here now!
Here, because today I feel the threat of these many circling worries. And to be quite frank, I am REALLY bloody tired of them. For these are the same concerns I’ve been indulging since, who knows, March LAST YEAR?… and throughout the years prior too – same worries, different shapes. I managed a few months’ reprieve late ’25/early ’26 when I was offered a bit more stability at work. Unfortunately, that stint ended, and we find ourselves here. Yet again.
In my March letter, I lamented feeling uninspired and stagnant. Regrettably, such ‘trivial’ feelings were bullied aside by the fear that I’m not partaking in life as a ‘REAL ADULT’. Whatever that means. Not much, if one has a sensible, calm state of mind. Yet, when the anxiety hits, sensibility flies out the door. I fret that I should “have a full-time job that I’m committed to sticking out for a handful of years”, and “be saving plenty of money and using some of those said savings to travel!” or “focusing my energy and time on building a ‘real’ career.” That if I was doing such things, THEN, I would be properly ‘adulting’ and could stop worrying I am an embarrassment to society or something. (Thank GOODNESS I am not currently fazed by the whole house/baby/family thing. That is one thing I’ve managed to find a ‘I’ll do it my way’ attitude towards.)
Meanwhile, reality sees me:
- Working a job I still get decent satisfaction from, with a team of co-workers I really like.
- Living with two housemates who I get along very well with*.
- In a relationship I couldn’t be happier about.
- Supported by friends & family who I love! (Sure, I don’t see a lot of them as much as I would like, but I’m very lucky to have them.)
* (lol, between the writing and proofreading of this, there has been a development on the housemate front, more on that next time)
If we drop the expectations that I keep placing upon my reality, I am actually quite happy with my lot. Not to mention that when I’m an ‘ELDERLY ADULT’, I doubt I’ll be daydreaming about my working moments, but rather the creativity I managed to squeeze into this life. The celebrations of occasions and small moments!… All the things I seem to deem less important than worrying on a full-time basis about a part-time job. Sigh.
During the moments when I manage to quiet my mind, what I actually wish for by the end of this year looks a lot like this:
Living with my partner for the first time – renting our own place which we can shape into our own space. To make, and bake and cook. To have our friends over for food and long chats. To read, drinking tea and coffee, and to build the jigsaw puzzles I keep saying I will start. To keep engaged with my focuses for the year. To feel confident in the aspects of my job I still get nervous about.
Nothing groundbreaking. Truth be told, it’s almost laughably cliche – and don’t get me wrong – I know it won’t be all sunshine and daisies. But that’s what I really want out of my year.WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT NOT BEING A ‘REAL ADULT’, ( a non-concept in itself ), ESPECIALLY IF BEING ONE IS DEFINED BY DEFINITIONS I DON’T EVEN DESIRE. sigh.
Would additional consistent hours help? Yes. Would it be nice to have career aspirations or even a realistic idea of what I want to do next? Yes. Would it be exciting to finally travel to Japan? Absolutely. But there’s still plenty to enjoy this year, things within my control, that I might actually even achieve! And let’s be honest, if I did have all that under my belt, would I truly stop worrying about not being a ‘real adult’? lol. probably not. I’m sure I’d invent another way that I was ‘failing.’
I stopped writing this blog as I felt I had nothing to really offer readers. No ‘specialised’ knowledge, no hard earned words of advice, no particularly interesting perspective, nor consistent creative creation. But today, I am reminded, I don’t actually write for you – and I mean this is the most loving of ways – but I write for me. To keep perspective. To gain clarity. To help me navigate my life and form a healthy narration that keeps me on the path I most wish to travel.
I know there are holes in the letter! Key context is missing, the train of thought feels confused, and I’ll be honest, I’m not even sure I said what I wanted to say. HOWEVER, I think that’s ok. I jumped into this piece with the single intention to try desperately shake the anxiety I was feeling. And now? I feel better.
Sincerely,
Fiona